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Description
We get Cheid's side of the events as well as some more of Eleria's plight. I hope you enjoy it despite everything 
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Mature
Comments2
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Sorry it took me twenty days to finally get to this. My excuses this time are as follows: I spent all of last week preparing for the ACT (American test that can determine what colleges I can get into and what scholarships I have a chance of earning) and then I had the misfortune to learn that Spring Break has a double meaning as my modem decided to die, leaving me with just my phone for internet which for some reason doesn't support PDFs unless downloaded and doesn't allow me to comment. Now that I'm back up running, on with it!
Well, right off the bat things go from bad to worse. Cheid has seen some horrible things, but seems to be gifted with some sort of power. Perhaps it goes beyond just flames, or perhaps the mysterious group that attacked are mistaken on who they truly want. The road can be dangerous, and I wouldn't past the sailors to just rob the boy blind and throw him off. He may never get the chance to raise the alarm, but if by some chance he does those kidnappers will probably shit their pants, to put it lightly. Being caught with a princess chained to your cart just isn't proper etiquette, and most people consider it quite rude. By the way, kudos for the inventive kill with Cheid's aunt, still is sad and all though.
The mysterious band of villains still remains shrouded in shadow, unaware of their purpose of reason. Cheid may have to learn how to utilize his new-found power quickly, else risk failing his quest. Should he reach his uncle, some good light may shine as word spreads about the disappearance and people begin to look. Should his venture be in vain, then things can only go downhill.
Some nitpicking:
"Before even realizing it he was already running towards the smiths workshop and the cache of weapons that was stored there." (Page one) - This is more of a flow thing. You can get rid of the 'that was stored there' and still say the same thing. Just saying 'cache of weapons' is fine, or for only two words, 'weapons cache.' There are far more like this, where you put words in there that just aren't needed. It can make a story seem choppy.
"Cheid nearly trembled as the man turned to look down at him with a surprised expression on him." (Page two) - Bit of the same thing. You repeat 'him' twice in this sentence, when it just isn't needed. Get rid of the 'on him' and the point is still the same because frankly, where else would the man being stabbed have a surprised expression?
Well, right off the bat things go from bad to worse. Cheid has seen some horrible things, but seems to be gifted with some sort of power. Perhaps it goes beyond just flames, or perhaps the mysterious group that attacked are mistaken on who they truly want. The road can be dangerous, and I wouldn't past the sailors to just rob the boy blind and throw him off. He may never get the chance to raise the alarm, but if by some chance he does those kidnappers will probably shit their pants, to put it lightly. Being caught with a princess chained to your cart just isn't proper etiquette, and most people consider it quite rude. By the way, kudos for the inventive kill with Cheid's aunt, still is sad and all though.
The mysterious band of villains still remains shrouded in shadow, unaware of their purpose of reason. Cheid may have to learn how to utilize his new-found power quickly, else risk failing his quest. Should he reach his uncle, some good light may shine as word spreads about the disappearance and people begin to look. Should his venture be in vain, then things can only go downhill.
Some nitpicking:
"Before even realizing it he was already running towards the smiths workshop and the cache of weapons that was stored there." (Page one) - This is more of a flow thing. You can get rid of the 'that was stored there' and still say the same thing. Just saying 'cache of weapons' is fine, or for only two words, 'weapons cache.' There are far more like this, where you put words in there that just aren't needed. It can make a story seem choppy.
"Cheid nearly trembled as the man turned to look down at him with a surprised expression on him." (Page two) - Bit of the same thing. You repeat 'him' twice in this sentence, when it just isn't needed. Get rid of the 'on him' and the point is still the same because frankly, where else would the man being stabbed have a surprised expression?